excerpts of a book, my life

The Soloist - excerpts

Yes, it is exhausting work, Mollie concedes one day when we sit in her backyard, several miles from Skid Row. But, she assures me, there are rewards. “There’s some equality in the relationship. A lot of people think social work is just  giving, giving, giving, but it’s not. There’s far more getting. The simple appreciation people had for the smallest things we did for them always amazed me.” p48

Let me tell you, most people are not far off from thinking this profession is just giving, giving, giving. But I give because it is needed. If more people gave, less giving would be needed from me. This is how I see it anyways. I give because I can. I feel uncomfortable when people congradulate me for what I do. It's not really noble, it's a reflection that our society is broken and nobody is doing anything about it! (ok, that's obviously an exaggeration, but I really think this every time people give me that "aww" look for my job). I give because people exist. I think so many people just need someone to acknowledge their pain and support them. Being able to support them is an honor and I feel privilege when those people come back and thank me for being there.


Why {do I} have to be bothered with any of this, Nathaniel asks, when {I} keep insisting {I} prefer to live outside and sleep in the tunnel? p136

I am willing to bet most people will be startled by this statement. As my time has developed, I am more and more aware of people who don't mind living on the fringes. Sometimes it is much easier to not be attached. These people are called chronic homeless, and they may or may not accept help. They are people who don't see themselves as homeless, but as nomads. Now they won't call themselves that, but they will definitely look at you silly when you push and push for them to get off the streets. They are the people who you will try your hardest for and disappear when you think you got something made for them.


Nathaniel will probably never be happy on my terms or by my definition, but maybe that’s my problem rather than his. Does he have a big fat mortgage hanging over his head ... ? I make good money for a newspaper guy and we live very nicely, but the crazy California real estate market eats a big chunk of my take home ... Nathaniel doesn't have to worry … Nathaniel is 100 percent off the books. No social secuirtity card, no driver's license, no address, no living will, no job, no lawn to mow, no phone call to return, no retirement to plan for and no rules except his own. p138

This truly emphasizes what I was leading to in the last excerpt. We as a society hold an expectation of life, when there are many cultures that exist. I first learned this when I worked with welfare clients a few years back. There are very distinct lines of culture when it comes to lower, middle, and upper class society, for example. These lines are prominent in just how we think (but many other ways too). I cannot hold expectations for someone until I understand what they want, otherwise it is my expectations and those are most likely influenced by how my class of upbringing taught me.

To better understand, when I first took this job I was instructed on motivation interviewing, which has a lot more to do with listening to the client and reflecting what they have to say than anything else. It's a very humbling training that allows the client to know what is best for them, because we all believe we know what is best for ourselves. By allowing them to talk, we step out of our prejudaces and position of power, and allow ourselves to hear the client and their needs. In some cases, the client may not know what is best, but if they are not in serious danger to themselves or others, there is nothing one can do to change their mind so we might as well meet them where they are at.


Hopefully this has given you a little more insight on the population I work with daily. It definitely has reshaped my people skills, my perception on "the homeless", and how I view my "skills" and purpose. If you haven't read the book "The Soloist", I would highly recommend it with full knowledge that it accurately depics a mental health homeless person in our society today.

the story unravels...

It's been a year. Have I changed? Am I more qualified now? Do I have more compassion? Do I have the answers? I couldn’t say that.

I’m reading The Soloist by Steve Lopez and it’s an autobiographical novel of sorts based on the journalist’s encounter with a musician, a musician who also happens to be a homeless and mentally ill man. I’d like to say this is a fantastical story, but I can’t. This is just another story; just another story in this line of work.

Stories. I have heard stories everyday this past year; everyday. It’s amazing not only how unique stories can be, but also how badly people want and need to share. Sometimes stories hurt too much to share too. People don’t plan to become homeless, and they certainly don’t do things on purpose to lead themselves to homelessness, despite society’s thinking. Homelessness happens suddenly to a person, even if their lifestyle shows a timeline of wrong choices. It’s always a shock to the person who is homeless. Homelessness is like a thief in the night. Suddenly, you find yourself wondering, how did I end up here? Is there anyone who can help me?

I have a coworker who says, "Show me a homeless person and I will show you a mental illness because they have to at least be depressed or anxious!" This may sound rude, but it’s true. My coworker doesn’t say this insensitively at all; in fact she tends to say it encouragingly. Many programs that exist to help the homeless require that the homeless person presents a mental illness to obtain help. My coworker finds it incredulous that one has to prove mental illness when obviously living on the street takes so much already out of a person. Many people develop mental illness before they hit the streets, but there are illnesses that are developed on the street too, due to the nature of the situation. And we have the nerve to state requirements in order to obtain help...

It’s been a long year, and I have had many highs and lows working here. I’d like to say some pretty lovely things about how I have grown, but the word that continues to sit with me is callousness. I have become calloused. Things that shocked me before have become just another story. It’s amazing how easy it is now to pick out someone that can be helped and others that you know are simply stuck between a rock and a hard place, and there is nothing you can do for the time being. Stuck between a rock and a hard place, I see that a lot...

Though callous I may be, I still have hope. Hope for things to change has not left my repertoire. I think I am continually defined by it because hope is believing in things that are not yet seen, since who hopes for what they already have? Romans 8:24-25, my favorite words to live by. 

So stay tuned, because one year down doesn’t mean the problems are solved or solve-able. It also doesn't mean I’m done yet, or that God has stopped moving. Also, stay tuned because this soloist book has developed lots of words for things I didn’t know how to explain before. Excerpts to follow. Until then, back to the story.

if i can't give 150%, then what am i doing?

just when you think you can handle your job, something goes and puts a wrench in your day.

most jobs are taxing in some way, usually physically or mentally. a social workers' job is taxing mostly emotionally. your heart goes out for your clients, which is probably the reason why you got into the job in the first place. social workers see the pain and suffering in society and seek to reform it, to fill in the gaps that society makes. 

at the end of the day, it becomes very hard to leave your work at work and go home. since social workers work with people, we recognize that it's not as simple as writing up a report and going home. going home involves saying you did the best you could do for the time being and you will return to it tomorrow. 

but what if what you did wasn't your best-- or what if you are a perfectionist and nothing seems to be the best? it's something i struggle with. if i cant give 150%, then what am i doing? this is a terrible way to live, because you end up dead at the end of every day. giving your best includes taking care of yourself first, so you can help others. it's like that annoying plane ride instruction to put your breathing mask on first before you help someone else. it sounds so backwards, but it's definitely true.

so what am i trying to say? i think basically i am remembering my emotional boundaries... again.

a. remembering that when a client yells at me for not doing anything, i can be reassured they are being dramatic and i am doing everything that i can do.

b. remembering i don't need to feel guilty to leave work and go home to my house, my food, my life

c. remembering to take care of myself so i can better be able and willing to help others

d. remembering i am not to blame for other people's decisions

don't forget to pray for social workers, we need your prayers. shout out to my soon-to-be cousin molly who just became a social worker herself :) good luck girl ;)

you're worth fighting for, and so is that person...

i feel alive when i am fighting for something. 

growing up, i always thrived when someone said i couldn't do something. as soon as they had this belief or conveyed this doubt, i had this push to prove them wrong. i learned by heart a piano piece that was way above my ability for a recital. i memorized enough verses in a short time to go to camp for free. i moved a bucket of rocks at work. i have a bad memory, but these moments stand out to me clear as day.  nobody could tell me i was less than, because if they did, i proved them wrong.

as i have been growing older, this fighting to prove myself has morphed into a passion for justice. i fell in love with my first social work internship because people had been wronged. i was able to be the voice that said to victims: "you don't deserve this. that person who took advantage of you was wrong, you are valuable." i wanted justice, showing these clients humans are all equal and no one deserves to be a victim. (note: justice here is not retribution)

i care about people and justice because i feel everyone is a child of God and nobody should be treated less than.

there are so many controversies to the Obama health care plan. honestly, i have a lot of questions about it myself. but let me be clear-- i believe health care is a human right, it shouldn't be dependent on income. Children aren't expected to have an income to receive it. in the same way, i believe adults shouldn't either. Human health doesn't depend on anything like how hard you work. Someone can get sick for no reason at all. Everyone should have the same opportunity to get treatment. point blank. (note: justice here is not entitlement)

today i am reminded of my passion for justice. hopefully i can really use this passion to make a difference. and just remember, justice is what happens when you treat everyone as if they were your own grandma. tell me that doesn't put an image in your mind ;)





(note: not my grandma, this is mother teresa)

love your neighbor as yourself

i was driving through a neighborhood i work in today and found myself sad in many ways. in front of me was a solid three blocks of row housing, all connected (the picture above doesn't do justice to what my eyes saw). behind it in an alleyway was another set, and across the street was yet another 3-block set. at this point, all of them are boarded up, unused. as you can imagine, it is probably for the best they are not inhabited anymore. at some point these were very low income housing for numerous souls. it's sad for me to not only see that there was at one point such a need for them, but also to know there is such a need for them now. i am constantly looking for places that are low income for my clients to snatch up. if there was a way to renovate these row houses, they would fill up in a minute. i dont care that it's one of the worst neighborhoods in pittsburgh. I have a case load of people who just want a roof over their head, simple living quarters, and something that doesn't take all their income. people have lots of views/opinions as to why a homeless person is homeless, but what really matters is helping them get it back. we have got to set aside our predispositions and just help. it is a sad and lonely world when we forget about our neighbors, our poor.

harvesting- the only thing a farmer does?

Think about all the things that must happen before
there can be a good harvest of crops.

• First, someone has to go and prepare the land. This is backbreaking work that involves felling trees, pulling massive stumps out of the ground, extracting rocks and boulders from the field, and moving them aside. But there's no harvest yet.
• Next the soil has to be broken up. The earth needs to be plowed, fertilizer churned in with the soil, and orderly rows tilled to prepare for the seed.
• Then the seeds must be carefully planted and covered. But still no harvest. Perhaps a fence needs to be built to protect the plants from animals that might devour them.
• And always, the seedlings must be carefully watered, nurtured, and fed over the long growing season.

There are sometimes setbacks--bad weather, blights, floods, and insects-- that can jeopardize the harvest. But if all the hard work is done faithfully and with perseverance, and if God provides good seed and favorable weather, finally a glorious harvest is the result.*1

- Excerpt from The Hole in Our Gospel

As I took another round trying to get through this spiritual book, the above stood out to me. It probably has nothing at all to do with the fact that Shawn is away harvesting all summer... ok it probably does ;) But the author surprisingly spoke to me. It's easy to think we should see results right away. For example, one church service should have a great enough impact on somebody to bring them to their knees asking for Christ to come into their heart. In reality, as the Barna group proves, this only happens for about 6% of adults.*2

I have never been the kind of person who could sit down with someone and easily convince them via the Romans road. As a "retired" camp counselor, this technique was expected of us. I am more the kind of person that works on the first stages of the harvest. I am not afraid to go to unprepared lands and start the back breaking work. This usually means jumping into something new and building relationships. Taking the time to get to know someone, listening to their story, hearing their struggles and triumps with the hope that in time they will eventually see the fruits of God and seek Him.

I think it is easy to assume being a devoted Christian is defending and proclaiming our faith daily, and just as easy to assume the less devoted Christian is one just "living out" their faith and not necessarily being vocal. Don't get me wrong, there's a lot to say about evangelism, and there's a lot to say about complacent Christians. But reading this passage, I am reminded that alongside evangelists, you need people actively preparing for a crop. I'd say my most natural ability is the slow routine of working to create a harvest, not harvesting. Who knows, this very well could change in the future. But for now, find me in the cultivating, planting, and growing seasons. ;) Blessings~


*1 The Hole in Our Gospel, p.19
*2 UnChristian:What a New Generation Really thinks about Christianity ...and Why it Matters p.72

joy time

so it's hard to write when I feel uninspired, and I have felt that way a lot recently. more than likely the whole religions challenge was a way to get inspired. it was good for a bit to challenge my mind, and I am not saying I am giving up on it, but I will say I have found inspiration once again.

so you should all know my job and how challenging it is to find joy, simply for the fact that it's a hard job-- working with people who have gotten caught between a rock and a hard place and that sucks! point here being, every day has a new crazy story about how unfair life is, and this is draining.

I kick myself in the butt a lot because my natural reaction is sympathy, I try and want to be compassionate. I see the person sitting down with me and start agreeing with them that life does indeed suck, that they don't deserve this thing happening to them! seriously, you wouldn't believe these stories and how crappy systems can be! but taking on others emotions every single day is draining. 

am i repeating myself? yes. this is my cycle, and that cycle keeps me down unfortunately. this week i chose to be positive. let me tell you straight off, i did get pissed off this week, i did complain, and i did get drained, but i kept returning to my choice to be positive. in seeking joy, what happened?

one saved message (my office mate saves messages if she gets to mine before i do). this message was an old client just calling to say thanks. to say thanks.

and a long time coming success story. here's the story. A guy younger than I served two tours and ever since has been pretty messed up, living street homeless and not wanting any help. The case manager before me couldn't get him to into services, I tried too and then decided to quit and just talk to him. He was willing to talk, unwilling for advice, so what the heck. I talked to him a little each week for almost probably a year now, never anything too deep. Out of the blue this Tuesday he brought up wanting mental health services! unfortunately, our MH doc wasn't going to be there till Thursday. (If you know anything about my work, you know if you don't get the person "in" the day of their decision to move forward, you miss your chance. truth.) So along came Thursday (today!) and there he was. He still wanted to move forward and chose to talk to some of the other clinicians as well! no matter what happens the coming weeks with him, this is a success story

so when you're down and out, force yourself to find joy. it wont happen right away, probably wont happen how you expect it, but God is faithful. just keep praying. catch you soon :)