excerpts of a book, my life

The Soloist - excerpts

Yes, it is exhausting work, Mollie concedes one day when we sit in her backyard, several miles from Skid Row. But, she assures me, there are rewards. “There’s some equality in the relationship. A lot of people think social work is just  giving, giving, giving, but it’s not. There’s far more getting. The simple appreciation people had for the smallest things we did for them always amazed me.” p48

Let me tell you, most people are not far off from thinking this profession is just giving, giving, giving. But I give because it is needed. If more people gave, less giving would be needed from me. This is how I see it anyways. I give because I can. I feel uncomfortable when people congradulate me for what I do. It's not really noble, it's a reflection that our society is broken and nobody is doing anything about it! (ok, that's obviously an exaggeration, but I really think this every time people give me that "aww" look for my job). I give because people exist. I think so many people just need someone to acknowledge their pain and support them. Being able to support them is an honor and I feel privilege when those people come back and thank me for being there.


Why {do I} have to be bothered with any of this, Nathaniel asks, when {I} keep insisting {I} prefer to live outside and sleep in the tunnel? p136

I am willing to bet most people will be startled by this statement. As my time has developed, I am more and more aware of people who don't mind living on the fringes. Sometimes it is much easier to not be attached. These people are called chronic homeless, and they may or may not accept help. They are people who don't see themselves as homeless, but as nomads. Now they won't call themselves that, but they will definitely look at you silly when you push and push for them to get off the streets. They are the people who you will try your hardest for and disappear when you think you got something made for them.


Nathaniel will probably never be happy on my terms or by my definition, but maybe that’s my problem rather than his. Does he have a big fat mortgage hanging over his head ... ? I make good money for a newspaper guy and we live very nicely, but the crazy California real estate market eats a big chunk of my take home ... Nathaniel doesn't have to worry … Nathaniel is 100 percent off the books. No social secuirtity card, no driver's license, no address, no living will, no job, no lawn to mow, no phone call to return, no retirement to plan for and no rules except his own. p138

This truly emphasizes what I was leading to in the last excerpt. We as a society hold an expectation of life, when there are many cultures that exist. I first learned this when I worked with welfare clients a few years back. There are very distinct lines of culture when it comes to lower, middle, and upper class society, for example. These lines are prominent in just how we think (but many other ways too). I cannot hold expectations for someone until I understand what they want, otherwise it is my expectations and those are most likely influenced by how my class of upbringing taught me.

To better understand, when I first took this job I was instructed on motivation interviewing, which has a lot more to do with listening to the client and reflecting what they have to say than anything else. It's a very humbling training that allows the client to know what is best for them, because we all believe we know what is best for ourselves. By allowing them to talk, we step out of our prejudaces and position of power, and allow ourselves to hear the client and their needs. In some cases, the client may not know what is best, but if they are not in serious danger to themselves or others, there is nothing one can do to change their mind so we might as well meet them where they are at.


Hopefully this has given you a little more insight on the population I work with daily. It definitely has reshaped my people skills, my perception on "the homeless", and how I view my "skills" and purpose. If you haven't read the book "The Soloist", I would highly recommend it with full knowledge that it accurately depics a mental health homeless person in our society today.

the story unravels...

It's been a year. Have I changed? Am I more qualified now? Do I have more compassion? Do I have the answers? I couldn’t say that.

I’m reading The Soloist by Steve Lopez and it’s an autobiographical novel of sorts based on the journalist’s encounter with a musician, a musician who also happens to be a homeless and mentally ill man. I’d like to say this is a fantastical story, but I can’t. This is just another story; just another story in this line of work.

Stories. I have heard stories everyday this past year; everyday. It’s amazing not only how unique stories can be, but also how badly people want and need to share. Sometimes stories hurt too much to share too. People don’t plan to become homeless, and they certainly don’t do things on purpose to lead themselves to homelessness, despite society’s thinking. Homelessness happens suddenly to a person, even if their lifestyle shows a timeline of wrong choices. It’s always a shock to the person who is homeless. Homelessness is like a thief in the night. Suddenly, you find yourself wondering, how did I end up here? Is there anyone who can help me?

I have a coworker who says, "Show me a homeless person and I will show you a mental illness because they have to at least be depressed or anxious!" This may sound rude, but it’s true. My coworker doesn’t say this insensitively at all; in fact she tends to say it encouragingly. Many programs that exist to help the homeless require that the homeless person presents a mental illness to obtain help. My coworker finds it incredulous that one has to prove mental illness when obviously living on the street takes so much already out of a person. Many people develop mental illness before they hit the streets, but there are illnesses that are developed on the street too, due to the nature of the situation. And we have the nerve to state requirements in order to obtain help...

It’s been a long year, and I have had many highs and lows working here. I’d like to say some pretty lovely things about how I have grown, but the word that continues to sit with me is callousness. I have become calloused. Things that shocked me before have become just another story. It’s amazing how easy it is now to pick out someone that can be helped and others that you know are simply stuck between a rock and a hard place, and there is nothing you can do for the time being. Stuck between a rock and a hard place, I see that a lot...

Though callous I may be, I still have hope. Hope for things to change has not left my repertoire. I think I am continually defined by it because hope is believing in things that are not yet seen, since who hopes for what they already have? Romans 8:24-25, my favorite words to live by. 

So stay tuned, because one year down doesn’t mean the problems are solved or solve-able. It also doesn't mean I’m done yet, or that God has stopped moving. Also, stay tuned because this soloist book has developed lots of words for things I didn’t know how to explain before. Excerpts to follow. Until then, back to the story.

if i can't give 150%, then what am i doing?

just when you think you can handle your job, something goes and puts a wrench in your day.

most jobs are taxing in some way, usually physically or mentally. a social workers' job is taxing mostly emotionally. your heart goes out for your clients, which is probably the reason why you got into the job in the first place. social workers see the pain and suffering in society and seek to reform it, to fill in the gaps that society makes. 

at the end of the day, it becomes very hard to leave your work at work and go home. since social workers work with people, we recognize that it's not as simple as writing up a report and going home. going home involves saying you did the best you could do for the time being and you will return to it tomorrow. 

but what if what you did wasn't your best-- or what if you are a perfectionist and nothing seems to be the best? it's something i struggle with. if i cant give 150%, then what am i doing? this is a terrible way to live, because you end up dead at the end of every day. giving your best includes taking care of yourself first, so you can help others. it's like that annoying plane ride instruction to put your breathing mask on first before you help someone else. it sounds so backwards, but it's definitely true.

so what am i trying to say? i think basically i am remembering my emotional boundaries... again.

a. remembering that when a client yells at me for not doing anything, i can be reassured they are being dramatic and i am doing everything that i can do.

b. remembering i don't need to feel guilty to leave work and go home to my house, my food, my life

c. remembering to take care of myself so i can better be able and willing to help others

d. remembering i am not to blame for other people's decisions

don't forget to pray for social workers, we need your prayers. shout out to my soon-to-be cousin molly who just became a social worker herself :) good luck girl ;)

you're worth fighting for, and so is that person...

i feel alive when i am fighting for something. 

growing up, i always thrived when someone said i couldn't do something. as soon as they had this belief or conveyed this doubt, i had this push to prove them wrong. i learned by heart a piano piece that was way above my ability for a recital. i memorized enough verses in a short time to go to camp for free. i moved a bucket of rocks at work. i have a bad memory, but these moments stand out to me clear as day.  nobody could tell me i was less than, because if they did, i proved them wrong.

as i have been growing older, this fighting to prove myself has morphed into a passion for justice. i fell in love with my first social work internship because people had been wronged. i was able to be the voice that said to victims: "you don't deserve this. that person who took advantage of you was wrong, you are valuable." i wanted justice, showing these clients humans are all equal and no one deserves to be a victim. (note: justice here is not retribution)

i care about people and justice because i feel everyone is a child of God and nobody should be treated less than.

there are so many controversies to the Obama health care plan. honestly, i have a lot of questions about it myself. but let me be clear-- i believe health care is a human right, it shouldn't be dependent on income. Children aren't expected to have an income to receive it. in the same way, i believe adults shouldn't either. Human health doesn't depend on anything like how hard you work. Someone can get sick for no reason at all. Everyone should have the same opportunity to get treatment. point blank. (note: justice here is not entitlement)

today i am reminded of my passion for justice. hopefully i can really use this passion to make a difference. and just remember, justice is what happens when you treat everyone as if they were your own grandma. tell me that doesn't put an image in your mind ;)





(note: not my grandma, this is mother teresa)

love your neighbor as yourself

i was driving through a neighborhood i work in today and found myself sad in many ways. in front of me was a solid three blocks of row housing, all connected (the picture above doesn't do justice to what my eyes saw). behind it in an alleyway was another set, and across the street was yet another 3-block set. at this point, all of them are boarded up, unused. as you can imagine, it is probably for the best they are not inhabited anymore. at some point these were very low income housing for numerous souls. it's sad for me to not only see that there was at one point such a need for them, but also to know there is such a need for them now. i am constantly looking for places that are low income for my clients to snatch up. if there was a way to renovate these row houses, they would fill up in a minute. i dont care that it's one of the worst neighborhoods in pittsburgh. I have a case load of people who just want a roof over their head, simple living quarters, and something that doesn't take all their income. people have lots of views/opinions as to why a homeless person is homeless, but what really matters is helping them get it back. we have got to set aside our predispositions and just help. it is a sad and lonely world when we forget about our neighbors, our poor.

harvesting- the only thing a farmer does?

Think about all the things that must happen before
there can be a good harvest of crops.

• First, someone has to go and prepare the land. This is backbreaking work that involves felling trees, pulling massive stumps out of the ground, extracting rocks and boulders from the field, and moving them aside. But there's no harvest yet.
• Next the soil has to be broken up. The earth needs to be plowed, fertilizer churned in with the soil, and orderly rows tilled to prepare for the seed.
• Then the seeds must be carefully planted and covered. But still no harvest. Perhaps a fence needs to be built to protect the plants from animals that might devour them.
• And always, the seedlings must be carefully watered, nurtured, and fed over the long growing season.

There are sometimes setbacks--bad weather, blights, floods, and insects-- that can jeopardize the harvest. But if all the hard work is done faithfully and with perseverance, and if God provides good seed and favorable weather, finally a glorious harvest is the result.*1

- Excerpt from The Hole in Our Gospel

As I took another round trying to get through this spiritual book, the above stood out to me. It probably has nothing at all to do with the fact that Shawn is away harvesting all summer... ok it probably does ;) But the author surprisingly spoke to me. It's easy to think we should see results right away. For example, one church service should have a great enough impact on somebody to bring them to their knees asking for Christ to come into their heart. In reality, as the Barna group proves, this only happens for about 6% of adults.*2

I have never been the kind of person who could sit down with someone and easily convince them via the Romans road. As a "retired" camp counselor, this technique was expected of us. I am more the kind of person that works on the first stages of the harvest. I am not afraid to go to unprepared lands and start the back breaking work. This usually means jumping into something new and building relationships. Taking the time to get to know someone, listening to their story, hearing their struggles and triumps with the hope that in time they will eventually see the fruits of God and seek Him.

I think it is easy to assume being a devoted Christian is defending and proclaiming our faith daily, and just as easy to assume the less devoted Christian is one just "living out" their faith and not necessarily being vocal. Don't get me wrong, there's a lot to say about evangelism, and there's a lot to say about complacent Christians. But reading this passage, I am reminded that alongside evangelists, you need people actively preparing for a crop. I'd say my most natural ability is the slow routine of working to create a harvest, not harvesting. Who knows, this very well could change in the future. But for now, find me in the cultivating, planting, and growing seasons. ;) Blessings~


*1 The Hole in Our Gospel, p.19
*2 UnChristian:What a New Generation Really thinks about Christianity ...and Why it Matters p.72

joy time

so it's hard to write when I feel uninspired, and I have felt that way a lot recently. more than likely the whole religions challenge was a way to get inspired. it was good for a bit to challenge my mind, and I am not saying I am giving up on it, but I will say I have found inspiration once again.

so you should all know my job and how challenging it is to find joy, simply for the fact that it's a hard job-- working with people who have gotten caught between a rock and a hard place and that sucks! point here being, every day has a new crazy story about how unfair life is, and this is draining.

I kick myself in the butt a lot because my natural reaction is sympathy, I try and want to be compassionate. I see the person sitting down with me and start agreeing with them that life does indeed suck, that they don't deserve this thing happening to them! seriously, you wouldn't believe these stories and how crappy systems can be! but taking on others emotions every single day is draining. 

am i repeating myself? yes. this is my cycle, and that cycle keeps me down unfortunately. this week i chose to be positive. let me tell you straight off, i did get pissed off this week, i did complain, and i did get drained, but i kept returning to my choice to be positive. in seeking joy, what happened?

one saved message (my office mate saves messages if she gets to mine before i do). this message was an old client just calling to say thanks. to say thanks.

and a long time coming success story. here's the story. A guy younger than I served two tours and ever since has been pretty messed up, living street homeless and not wanting any help. The case manager before me couldn't get him to into services, I tried too and then decided to quit and just talk to him. He was willing to talk, unwilling for advice, so what the heck. I talked to him a little each week for almost probably a year now, never anything too deep. Out of the blue this Tuesday he brought up wanting mental health services! unfortunately, our MH doc wasn't going to be there till Thursday. (If you know anything about my work, you know if you don't get the person "in" the day of their decision to move forward, you miss your chance. truth.) So along came Thursday (today!) and there he was. He still wanted to move forward and chose to talk to some of the other clinicians as well! no matter what happens the coming weeks with him, this is a success story

so when you're down and out, force yourself to find joy. it wont happen right away, probably wont happen how you expect it, but God is faithful. just keep praying. catch you soon :)

month three: Judaism in America

As I decided to look into Judaism in America today, I didn’t realize how deep of shoes I was sinking into. There were so many avenues I could venture, from types of Jewish religions; Orthodox, Reformed, Conservative, Reconstructionist, Zionist; to beliefs then and now with traditional Jews verse less traditional Jews. But after wading through all these sectors, I couldn’t help but see the focus on Jews religiously, culturally, and ethnically. It seems anyone trying to describe the religion today had to describe these three things together. I think the most I learned about Judaism wasn’t about beliefs, but the culture that has developed in America. 
 

I read a very unorthodox (no pun intended) book called Jews Without Judaism (Friedman) which I have no doubt many religiously Jewish people would be very offended by. Let’s just say the author is a rabbi who pointedly says there is no god. Despite this interesting fact that comes up later in the book, the rabbi has a lot of insight on how Jews have developed and changed over time. Understanding this development is probably the best way to understand 21^st century Judaism in America. Learn along with me as the author opens up the idea of Judaism being more a culture than a religion and explains how it got to this point today:

It’s hard to find words that accurately describe what being Jewish means. It has to do with a sense of being part of a long history; of being part of a people, the Jewish people, that is like an extended family with “branches” all over the world and reaching back many centuries into the past. It means feeling connected to other Jews, even though one may not speak their language or even agree with their religious beliefs. p25

Today most Jews are not religious. They may observe a Jewish holiday once in a while, although even when they do, it’s more to express their Jewishness—their membership in the Jewish people—than to “practice” Judaism. They may even belong to a synagogue or temple—again, more to connect with other Jews than to worship. p26

Prior to the seventeenth or eighteenth century, there was no distinction in the minds of Jews between religion and the rest of life. There was not even a word for “religion”. Nor was there a word for “Judaism.” Being a Jew was to be part of God’s holy people. It was to be bound by the covenant between God and his people. It was to be obligated to observe the mitzvot, the divine commandments, as they are revealed in the Torah and the Talmud. There was no distinction, as there is today, between the religious and the secular. Jews may have been more or less observant, but there were no nonreligious Jews. p36

(The split between Jewishness and Judaism came about because of) two things: first, the Enlightenment and the enormous changes in the conditions of life and thought that followed—changes that undermined the essential assumptions of Judaism; second, Napoleon…Napoleon affected Jewish life in a profound way… after his military victories were achieved, Napoleon was concerned about the disparate groupings within the new French nation. He wanted to secure their loyalty. He did not want people, such as the Jews, to think of themselves as separate entities with their own laws, their own culture, their own loyalties to anything other than France. He knew very well that the Jews functioned as a “nation” within the larger French nation. He wanted to eliminate such “foreign” nationalities in order to create a single French nation, with all its citizens loyal to the state. So in 1806 he called a meeting of over one hundred Jewish notables of France and presented them with a number of questions designed to clarify what it meant to be Jewish and what the relationship was between the Jews and the state. The primary question was: Were the Jews a separate nation or a religious community? …In answering Napoleon, in effect, they redefined themselves…they split into two what was previously one: the public and the private. p37-8

The author develops into thought that separating the two has allowed freedom that wasn’t there before. Exciting in many ways, but the laws and practices were no longer a lifestyle. Jew’s had a nation to be a citizen in and a religion to rely on. Making Jews be a citizen of a nation and be Jewish semi-destroyed the whole essence of Judaism. This is what I found the most interesting and “ah ha!” of my study.

Nonetheless, these still remain (plus much more, as always):

Tanakh is the Hebrew Bible, which is also termed the Old Testament in Christian bibles. This includes the Pentateuch, which are the first five books, the books of Moses; and the Talmud, which are the books of the prophets. The Judaism faith is focused on the commandments and a covenant made with the one true God.

As for God, Jews are “ever watchful to guard the uniqueness of God, they will not represent God in any material form; to do so would be to make an idol. Nor is there any way, in the Jewish understanding of God, that any human being could ever be God. This is one reason that people of Jewish faith do not accept the Christian teaching that Jesus is the Messiah” (p200, Religion in America). This is probably the most obvious in religion differences today.

When it does come to traditional Jews vs. less traditional, two things stood out to me. Traditional Jews are still focused on a coming messiah, foretold in Isaiah. Less traditional Jews have developed that belief into more of an attainment of a messianic age. And while traditional Jews continue to struggle with understanding how evil exists despite an all-good God, less traditional Jews have come to believe in God who is limited in some ways. In the end, most Jews tend to focus more on life in the here and now, leaving what happens afterward in the hands of their Maker. Beliefs land that one day all Jews with be with God.

Judaism: more than a religion. It's the essence of religion, culture, and ethnicity combined.

month two: jehovah's witness

Jehovah's Witness. Whenever I mention that phrase the reaction seems to always be the same: a taken a-back “oh”. As if simply mentioning their name is the first crime. The second is they don’t celebrate holidays. The third is they are strangely focused on “the end of time” or Armageddon from the book of Revelations

As I have been studying the Witnesses, or Zion’s Watch Tower and Tract Society, I can see they are very passionate. They come out of a bible study movement in Pittsburgh, desiring to know the Word. Even their title “Jehovah’s Witnesses” comes straight from the bible, based on Isaiah 43:10–12. Witnesses are best known for their door-to-door preaching like Morman’s, distributing literature and tracts, refusing military service like Mennonite’s, and not taking any sort of blood transfusions for fear it counts as consuming blood (a law clearly stated in the bible). Also like the Mormon’s, they reject the idea of the trinity. The most extreme ideas are that other’s sinful nature could corrupt them, so they do not like interaction with non-believers unless they are witnessing. The three strongest allies to Satan are government, big business, and churches (because they teach false doctrine). All are untrustworthy and should not be saluted (pledge of allegiance to the flag), encouraged (voting), or partaken in.

Jevohah’s Witnesses have very strong morals, and any form of sidetracking the rules brings about disfellowshiping, very similar to Amish shunnings. Witnesses believe that churches are idols, so they never enter them. Their meeting place, instead, is called a Kingdom Hall and it is always built by the hands of the congregation. Witnesses find constant bible study important, so they meet several times a week at their kingdom halls. Bible study is the key to everything since they believe everything that is being revealed is through the bible, the living word. Witnesses do not have pastors, priests, preachers, saints, etc. They all gather together and teach each other-- remember this comes out of bible study practices. Of note, woman must go up front and speak to another person on the stage, they cannot interact directly with the crowd. Witnesses have very traditional male and female roles.

In the end, what matters is the end of the world, the righteous being spared from disaster, the 144,000 that will live with the Father, and the rest of the witness who will inherit the restored world. Just wait and proclaim for that day.

A book I read that I would recommend is "I'm Perfect, You're Doomed: Tales from a Jehovah's Witness Upbringing" by Kyria Abrahams.

short devotional

Hippies. Tree huggers. Environmentalists. All of these terms immediately create images in our minds, and most often put a very negative taste in our mouth concerning nature. Spiritual life week at Bluffton University has been about Connect 4, that is connecting with God, ourselves, others, and nature (creation). It’s easy to relate to the first three, but can one genuinely connect to creation on a daily basis? Does finding a connection with creation require drastic life changes? What does it mean to have a healthy relationship with, or a connection to creation?

A word probably completely overlooked above is “with” (go ahead and look for it now, I know you’re itching to). “With” is a word that has continued to surprise me in many ways. Taking time to understand “with” implies belonging, companionship, comradery and a sense of contentment as well. God wants to be with you. God wants you to be with Him. “With” also reminds us to be present in the lives of others, to enter into their hurts, joys, sufferings and accomplishments. Finally, “with” asks us to slow down, to observe what is around us, and to care for what is at hand without worrying too far in advance.

How does “with” look to you when it comes to creation? It could be as easy as sitting outside watching the world pass by, letting God speak through observation and being still. Maybe the whole point of being with creation has been something we missed due to our busy routines. Though we all have work to do, when was the last time you slowed down and were with creation? The saying goes, “places to go, people to see”, but why not for a change just be.

*credit to shawn yoder who wrote a solid portion of this for spiritual life week.

a new study.. this month, mormons

hello world, its been a while. join me for a second or two in a discussion.

with the new year, I've decided to study religions/denominations/beliefs more intently. in some ways i miss being a student. i miss the days i had immense amounts of information coming my way. course you dont have to be in school to have information, so let's talk about mormons.

Mormons believe some hebrews, known as the Lehi clan, came to the new world before Jesus was born. A man named Mormon wrote the records of this clan, and his son Moroni added records of the Jaredites. Many believe these were the native americans.

Many centuries later, Joseph Smith was a young american man searching to understand the many religions and find faith himself. He felt called by God that none of these religions were true and an angel appeared. This angel, Moroni, showed Joseph the templates with the records and accounts. Joseph interpreted them and this became the book of Mormon, seen as holy as the bible.

Mormons believe God is still working through a prophet to this day. Joseph started as the first prophet, others followed after him. With the prophet as the direct communicator to God, 2 counselors serve as vice-presidents under him. Then there is the Quorum of 12 apostolates and/or bishops. Over time, the movement fled west and it's main site was settled in Salt Lake City. To this day, their main university provides an attraction to that area.

Mormons believe in Jesus Christ as a prophet, Joseph Smith as a prophet, the book of mormon, and the holy priesthood. The trinity is three literal beings of their own. Each human comes from heaven to earth as a test. The more godly you are, the better chance you have in being glorified in heaven. There are degrees of exualtation in heaven (like a caste system), with the highest being a god yourself. Here on earth, the number of children (and for some, the number of wives) greatly improves your chances in heaven. Therefore, the family is central to mormons, and celebacy is not an option. The family is so important, family members buy spaces for their non-mormon family members in heaven, sometimes even baptising those who have passed before knowing the faith. Marriages are so holy, it is believed to last through past death. This is how modern belief that we will see our loved ones in heaven came about.

Of note, "Mormon" is the name for the quote founder. Mormons are actually "the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints". They call themselves saints (everyone not mormon are gentiles)

Mormons are forbidden to do drugs, have tobacco, alcohol, and caffeine. Meat is to be ate sparringly. All young men are expected to obtain a form of priesthood. At a young age they begin proving themself worthy up until they can baptise others. at this point they are young men and are expected to do two years of missionary work. (this is where my mom would be like "right, the guys in the suits who go door to door") Missionaries can also be young women (only 18 months of service is necessary here) or older adults. Missionaries also support themselves financially, family can help.

The temple is central to Mormons, kinda like holy temples in the past. The temple is not for everyone, though. It can only be entered by worthy mormons. Mormons must go through an interview with a bishop to be deemed worthy, and if so able to go in, mormons wear all white to signify purity.

While I was reading different books on the religion, i was really thrown into a loop reading the Prophet's Prey, by Sam Brower. The book looks into the Fundamentalist group of the mormon church. If you think mormons are strange, believe me-- things get lots weirder, cult-like, in fact. To this day there are people obediently following the crazy rulings of one dictoral prophet and living polygomist. It's funny what happens when people believe only one person can hear the direct ruling of God. How's the saying go.. absolute power absolutely destructs. Read the book.


feel free to make comments and correct things. as any other religion, it depends who you are around to show what is really practiced and what is just of the past.